If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
In order for us to get to know each other; Do Not feel we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you intend
to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "EARLY." Curfew starts at 11.00pm
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date her, and no one else her until she’s finished with you.
KNOW THIS… If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car or water my garden?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, divans or anything softer than a wooden
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns or priests within
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey / basket ball/ baseball games are okay.
Old folks homes, and the church are the best.
Do not lie to me. I might appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged,
But on issues relating to my daughters, I am the all-knowing, merciless god
of your sexual universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, So help you
Remember, I have a shotgun, a shovel, and lots of vacant land behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over Baghdad.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home safely and
her virginity intact.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight, or better still in your pockets.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely, intact and early, then, quietly return to
your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
BEWARE!!! The camouflaged face at the window is mine.